I almost quit because of who they said I had to be.
Today's post is more personal as I will be talking about my relationship with classical ballet. The majority of my dance training before college was in ballet, and pointe work. This meant I spent anywhere from 10 - 15 hours every week staring at myself in a mirror wearing nothing more than a leotard and pink tights.
The picture of femininity, I would slick my hair back into a tight bun, before adding makeup and simple earrings. Growing up I truly wanted to be a ballet dancer and in order to do that, one must subscribe to a strict gender binary that defines everything from class dress codes, to casting, and even the specific steps you are allowed to perform.
Knowing I was queer from a young age I never saw myself represented in the industry. Every ballerina I met was feminine presenting, cisgender, and straight. I learned very quickly that although there was a thriving queer community amongst gay men in professional ballet companies, there was never any mention of queer ballerinas. In their efforts to remain relevant and be more inclusive, companies will often set duets on two men, but never two women. This caused me to remain in the closet for the majority of my dance training in fear that I would not be accepted, or treated like a predator in a female dominated environment.
Outside the studio, I tried my hardest to separate from the costume and persona I had created for ballet spaces. I began to resent dance and pursued other hobbies. What I did in the studio felt so different from who I was as a person and there was a large disconnect between dance and the rest of my life. A future career no longer felt sustainable and I began to question whether I wanted to dance at all.
It was around this time that I began training in modern dance and had the opportunity to choreograph for the first time. This opened my eyes to a whole new facet of the dance industry. I began to follow choreographers who were making work that told stories I could relate to. Videos of modern dancers wearing layers of colorful, baggy clothing in rehearsals and using their bodies to express depths of emotion I had never witnessed before. I started reimagining what a career in dance could look like.
When I came out, I began a journey of healing my relationship with ballet. I wore whatever I wanted to class, cut my hair, and stopped wearing makeup. Ballet class became more like a grand experiment, than a stressful performance. I began training larger jumps, and turns, that are typical of male ballet dancers and cared less about how I looked in the mirror. I still love the technique, but have since found ways to honor it without subscribing to its ingrained ideas about gender and sexuality.
That's all for now. Hope you enjoyed learning a little bit about classical ballet and my dance background. Till next time!
- Kennedy
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